update the necessary adjustments. Such time for me is now and therefore this piece is saturated by narcissism and personal subjectivity.
I grew up with big dreams twirling around my head and surrounded
by people who encouraged me that all the dreams were within my reach. It
happened that from a very early age, I had created an aura of hope, an illusion
of my future achievements but I failed to put emphasis on the threats of these
dreams. Sure there were some challenges along the way; there still are. It is not
the challenges per se I have a problem with; those were there for guidance.
The problem is I grew comfortable around the idea of achieving anything I set
my eyes on and failed to take periodic review of my track.
Everything I knew or anything that I was told with regards to
my successes is now e a lump of big lies. I scoff when those who haven’t
tired of my “delayed success” still prophesy and proclaim,
while meaning the best for me, that the future still hold more promises. It has
come as a late discovery that patience is merely a girl’s name; not a virtue I can
stand. I write this thus to portray my impatience with life and lies of life as I see it now or rather the sorry state of affair I find myself in. Perhaps there
are those who can argue that at my age, everything should be bliss and I
thus I should concentrate on my current undertakings. In a way I agree with that and that’s why I feel I should try explaining my predicament if
not to anyone but myself.
It should be mentioned that I don’t have a good past record
when it comes to dreams and anything I hold of value to me. A close analysis of
the things I desired in the past paints a chilling picture if such a projection
is to be made. I held on the dream of establishing myself
as a writer and to date, though the dream still is alive, there is nothing to
show for it. A look at things I have been involved in planning in the past
also illustrate on how fate has always found a way of messing up with my plans.
In as much as I can indulge in protracted and lengthy
gibberish in the chain of my failures, it would be fair to stick only to a
few details. No man can claim to have
lived and not have broken dreams about some girl. At least that man isn’t me.
To the contrary, I can boast (if warranted) to have experienced the shattering
of this dream for a couple of time. Normally a conversation like this is expected
from melancholic lads who have just suffered heartbreaks which is not the case
here.
She made me cry for a week. I begged and cursed and begged
even more but the dice had been cast and she would hear none of my pleas. I lost the taste and appetite of food and
somehow the will to live. For the first time since the passing of my only
brother some eight years before, my weakness was overt even to my mother. Before
this, I held a dream of joining the army. Not that I have the killer instinct
in me but I really wanted to join the forces. Well, I lost my girl to guy in
the forces and with it I lost the desire of ever joining the forces.
Getting accustomed to this loss was not easy. At times my
heart made deliberate attempts at ignoring my brain and I could snap from
nowhere and call her. I tried insolence where persuasion didn’t work all to no
avail. It is something I did often in
the first few weeks and it always left me weary and grieving. Drastically, we
had transformed from people who could talk for hours over the phone to people
who lacked anything to talk about after one minute. My phone became an object
of temptation; a device to torment me for it was practically useless now that I
couldn’t talk to her. I would spend hours stalking her in facebook and draining my sorrow.
Eventually my desperation yielded another relationship. By
blind chance a met a total stranger and we somehow hit it off. I must say it
was a precise replica of what had happened to me earlier only that by a strange
twist of fate the guy who got burned
this time deserved it. Why he deserved it will remain a preserve for another
day. Replacement made peace was restored and though at time I would sink into melancholy
and dejection, I always had someone to fall back to. It would be more than a
year later when this new love will fade and this time there would be no cries
or pleading.
Tracing back I have loved and lost and there is certainly nothing
to show for it. It is one vanity that has occupied my mind more than anything and I
can pride more in having lost than loved. I know am not and will not always be
the better guy. It happened that when I lost to the army guy, I could swear
with certainty that that he was just a joker trying to pull her legs. Well, the
certainty of that has been heavily eroded though in a way he did pull her legs
wide to a point of procreating. I just have to swallow my pride and ignorance
and salute him. I did bandy words with him and exchanged some nasty epithets
and it is it is manly and fair for me to rescind that. This thought came to me
after realizing that for expecting anyone to love me and wait for me; I would
be putting her life on hold. I don’t want to be accused, even for love, of
delaying anyone’s ambition.(P.S. Not
unless your name is Patience and willing to be patient with me).
No comments:
Post a Comment